Time for …’My DH’s FB stats’!

Could never figure out how what would seem to be otherwise educated, professional men somehow end up fooling themselves into thinking that wearing a dead rat on their head is going to fool anybody? And why are the wives, brothers and friends of these dudes not stepping up and saying “Hey man, you look completely retarded and by the way, even if you still had hair, you couldn’t get laid in a woman’s prison with a handful of pardons!”… Late night TV rules!

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Evening post BBQ stroll on the “Good side” of town with one of Mel’s HIGHLY potent Clown Killers disguised in a Starbucks cup. Slight buzz, warm and listening To Carolla on a podcast. ENJOYING myself!

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Life lesson: ALWAYS get three estimates and NEVER trust an Internet review. Should have gone to see my man Al right off. Used him years ago but he’s getting older and slowing down. Still a throw back to the 70’s in his office. Lots of shitty knotty pine paneling in the office, a popcorn wagon and a weird squeaky overhead fan that I remember from TEN YEARS ago! Meaning, he’s been listening to it squeak for more than a decade and never bothered fixing it. After about 10 minutes I’d would have ripped the fucking thing out of the ceiling, but that’s just me. Also sporting the same haircut since 1958. Al’s awesome!

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So some dizzy broad calls in and asks this C***t how she can get out from underneath her under water mortgage on some P.O.S. condo she owns. But she’s “Fortunate” because she has a really good job and is getting married in the fall and she doesn’t want to take the loss EVEN THOUGH she can afford her payment. So what does this T**t tell the caller to do?… Bust out and DON’T pay her mortgage so she’ll qualify for a short sale. BLAMES the banks for not helping?!!! Helping??? She CAN afford the F’n payment! WTF kind of cry baby nation have we become for the love of Christ, where THIS is acceptable advice? You’d be considered a common dead beat bust out 50 years ago pulling this kind of move!… Where’s my Tylenol???!!!

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No shortage of products for lunatics being advertised on late night TV. I still want to know who’s putting pen to paper and committing literally millions of dollars to these fococtic ideas? I’m still of the opinion it’s the Chinese testing the waters to see if we’ve dumbed ourselves down enough to invade us at this point.

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Putting that “Italian Trash” out to the curb man. Melanie’s always arguing with me that if it came down to either an Aventador or that Murcielago SV, she’d always go with the SV. It’s a “numbers game” she says. Limited production, special edition, investment grade. She can appreciate the new technology, but that girl can’t get enough carbon fiber in her automotive diet. Give her a gated 6 speed and that heavy Lambo clutch, and she’s definitely in her element. FORZA!

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Sam Drucker of Green Acres out lived Eva Gabor but not Zsa Zsa Gabor. Cheech’s career somehow outlived Chong’s but now even though Tommy Chong’s prostate is on fire, I’m still not willing to count Zsa Zsa out by a long shot.

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So….you’re telling me the monkey in charge of changing the number on “Number of accident free days” plaque managed to cut his finger while trying to change said number? And by the way, NEVER managed to even complete the number change correctly? YES….. EVERYONE is a fuck up!!!! And the scariest part?… I’m not at all surprised! It’s over. It’s been over for a long time.

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So I pull into the Mobile station to top off the tank and all seems to be going well until the dingbat in the BMW next to me suddenly pulls out with the gas nozzle still working. Next thing I see is this thing on the ground pumping gas all over the place. Thinking I’m going to end up in a fucking explosion, I hurriedly stop my pump, jump in the car and move it out into the street. The dizzy broad then comes back, STILL on her phone and continues to fill her tank at the same pump, acting like nothing happened? At least 10 gallons of raw fuel all over the place and thank God it’s raining! POINT BEING: You are more likely to be killed by some dingbat American chick on a cell phone in a car than any terrorist! Also interesting, according to the guys working at the station, almost ALL of the drive offs without paying are women. Distracted just a bit are we?

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Definitive proof that we really are just a society of fucking morons, as validated by corporate America. Somewhere, someone in the marketing department at Hershey’s said “Hey man, all we have to do is make the text bigger on the packaging and reduce the chocolate to as thin as the width of a nickel and the monkeys will keep paying us a buck for it and think they’re actually getting more!” Seems to have worked, because at first glance I thought it was bigger too. The good news is that an L.A.U.S.D. “Diploma” is still only 75 cents out of this vending machine.

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We’ve come a long way. A dozen roses is practically free and a gallon of gas exceeds 50% of the minimum wage. At least they let you watch sports center while they’re screwing you. Cable TV in the gas pumps man. Can’t go 30 seconds without some sort of stimulation. No wonder everyone’s rolling around with some form of ADHD these days.

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1:04 a.m. Central time. Nothing to do but enjoy this balmy starry night on the patio listening to the hum of central air conditioning units and the fountain. Enjoying the last White Russian because I just ran out of half and half. If I were in L.A. I’d head down to the Ralph’s in my bathrobe and pay in loose change for another carton… But I’m not in L.A. at the moment. The “Dude” abides. Man.

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12:00 midnight officially April 1st. My lovely wife’s Birthday. On my way upstairs to surprise her.